End of an Era.
“I’m constantly killing versions of myself” — @thatpunkwitch
On August 8th I made the executive decision to finally remove all of my music from the internet. Bandcamp, SoundCloud, YouTube — everything. All gone. This was a choice I made following two attempts at finishing and releasing an album this year, serving as the follow up to ‘Inner Mechanisms Of A Soulless Body’ from 2021. Between recording my previous release and now, I found myself becoming far too much of a perfectionist for my own liking. Everything had to sound right. I was also reaching for a sound I was unable to produce on one project called ‘Antithesis’, leading to the eventual shelving. But in addition to becoming a perfectionist, I started to ask myself “what for?”
It really grates on me when people say I should “create music for myself” because, since I was thirteen, I have wanted to make music with lyrics so unapologetically real and honest to hopefully support people struggling. I have battled suicidal and intrusive thoughts, depression, dysphoria and bullying for half of my life. These were all topics I constantly included in my music, with hopes that anyone struggling with the same issues would feel recognised, supported and less alone after hearing those songs. Toward the end, things also started to take a very political turn because I have things to say and I wanted to help awaken people and make a difference. I wouldn’t be where I am today without a plethora of musical artists I looked up to, and I wanted to be a musician able to help others through their toughest days.
I sadly didn’t seem to have an outreach in the end, but the biggest upset came when (so called) friends themselves seemed to disregard or not support me. They knew just how much I wanted to make it as a musician, how often and much I loved recording, but still seemed to give their friend what felt like zero support. I was lucky to have three people who genuinely consistently supported me, and I garnered a minor hit among a small friend group of with ‘Flap Time’. But it soon felt as though I had to force my music onto everyone else and remind them I was doing it. I would let some hear early demos to get their thoughts and opinions, which often generated enthusiastic responses. By the time I released something of my own accord and didn’t approach them however, I received a deathly silence practically every time.
It feels poetic that the final song I ever worked on was called ‘Show Me That You Love Me’, written in 2019 and about me begging to be taken seriously, seen and respected as a musician. If I were to release another album now though, there would be just one: ‘Vampires & Ghosts’. I firmly believe it’s my best musical project to date, one I won’t ever be able to top, and the concept within is so important and personal to me. Were I to release that, it would seriously be the last and only release to my name. Why spend so much time writing and stressing yourself out with recording to perfection when nobody else is going to hear it? Sure, there needs to be a level of satisfaction on my part as the creator, but my music is not for me. I wanted my music to help and inspire people. But after six years of trying, failing, and feeling ignored, I am finally calling it quits.
Flap Time is over. Vicky Leigh Music, 2016–2022.
At the end of August I will be fully moved into a new house and come the middle of September I’ll be starting a new university course, switching from English and History to Writing and Film. Before I wanted to tour the world as a musician, my true first love was ‘Doctor Who’ at the age of six. It inspired me to write short stories and fanfiction as a kid, which soon gave way to starting my own blog and reviewing different types of media: books, films, TV shows, albums and audiobooks. Of all the things I have created and unleased onto the internet, my written reviews have been received the best, by a wide and supportive audience. While my family were blissfully unaware of my attempt at a music career, they have been supportive of my writing since it began as a kid. I have since been picked up as a staff writer by The Violet Reality, had a short story released as part of a digital anthology earlier this year, had a poem published at fourteen and even been recognised by Nine Inch Nails themselves.
I think it’s fair to say writing is my strong point. Perhaps even my calling? Writing is something I can confidently and proudly say I’m good at and enjoy hugely. Now I’m going off to a new university with hopes to learn more and grow as a writer, to make the dreams of a six-year-old come true. I want to release a book, write for TV and conceptualise something as big and successful as — if not bigger than — ‘Stranger Things’ itself. Luckily all the big ideas I had for concept albums are easily transferrable to a written medium, and I can delve deep into albums and TV shows for what I’ve taken to calling “mega review”, with last year’s Blast From The Past article being a prime example of this. I would also love to continue guesting on whatever podcast will have me and let me talk about all the things I’m a fan of, in addiction to continuing my activism with the Trans Talk series I created last December.
But most importantly, I want to take more time to write such long and in depth reviews. I want to finish my debut novel. I want to learn and grow as a writer, to enhance my foreshadowing and make my dialogue more articulate. This is a journey I hope to document on this blog over the next three years, and I would love to see you join me each step of the way. So as one era ends, here’s to the beginning of another // Vicky Leigh ❤
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